Children
If someone had asked me a year, or even six months, ago if I wanted children, the answer would have been an emphatic no. The cost is too great; the compromise on work and travel; the sleepless nights, I would have argued. I could see myself being childless for a long time, possibly for life.
Now, it’s different. I’m in a phase of my life where the idea of having children is a positive and increasingly appealing idea. But why? Several things spring to mind.
Last Saturday found me on an ice rink in Amsterdam. I’d been persuaded to have a go at skating by someone rather more talented than me, and made it about 30 feet before giving up. While my skating partner whizzed round doing ever faster laps, I noticed families out on the ice, the older showing the younger how it was done. And I was oddly jealous of this process of the gifting of knowledge and skills, from one generation to the next, and also parents picking them up when they fell over, advising them on what to do. It was beautiful and interesting to watch, and it suddenly struck me as being the symbolism of what it was to be a parent, perhaps. Giving them the skills they need, but also being there for them when those skills fall short.
In the Outer Hebrides, the child situation is odd. One of the ‘rules’ about living there goes:
If you are aged between 20 and 50, your social circle consists of one couple with children, and one couple who are fed up of being asked when they will have children.
There is some accuracy in that; it was the first question I got when I moved there, in the context of having children to keep the local school open. I’m not comfortable with this justification (’We need to keep the number of children up to keep the schools open’) as it seems back to front. The kids on Berneray, however, seem a generally happy lot, having more freedom in their environment (though less options about what to do in it) than inner city or suburb children.
Every year in January, the ancient tradition of Challuin is played out on Berneray, one of the few places that still does it. That means a group of children are shepherded around the island, singing the old Gaelic song in return for sweets and confectionary. Here’s this years group, standing in my kitchen:
I’ve witnessed this for five years now, and it’s been interesting seeing the changes roll by. The younger kids become the older kids; the older kids become adults and stop doing it.
Family matters also influence. Very recently I’ve been dealing with family deaths, which focused the mind on the cycle of life, pretty much to the exclusion of everything else. This has also meant meeting a variety of relatives for the first times in years, and in some cases, decades. It’s a shock to find out who has changed, who has not, who has children. And last wednesday the family relative most like me in many ways (a first cousin) pulled out a picture of his 2 year old son, which floored me.
And it’s not just my cousin, of a similar age, who has kids. When I started work aged 26 in the digital library sector, not many of my peers had children (they being in a fairly broad age range). But over the years I’ve noticed “child creepage”, as more and more of them have children. Often one, sometimes two, rarely more. But children never the less. Now, most of my direct work colleagues from the last 15 years proudly have children, in some cases tweeting about them.
All these factors influence, I guess. But it’s the original observation, the ability to pass on skills and knowledge – while having fun as a family – that appeals to me the most.
Oh, and it would also be good to have other people to play video games against. So long as they didn’t start beating me on a regular basis.
Would I be a good dad? I think so; hope so. They wouldn’t want for anything, and finances would be focused on giving them a good education and putting them through university. They would travel – it really does broaden the mind. Which would also give them the chance to experience some different cultures and pick up a language or two. And it’s another, compelling, reason for the house to have a library room (every house should have one).
When will all this happen? I don’t know, but being 40 now I feel it’s better sooner rather than later. Leave it many more years, and I’ll be in my 60’s before the kids leave home. I’ve seen the consequences first hand of a dad being really old when having children and, although perfectly possible, it does create an additional raft of issues.
Funny how attitudes about the fundamental things in life change.
Hi John,
I think you are quite brave engaging in this discussion on your blog!
My first thought was do you have someone to have children with? For a lot of my friends that’s been the real show stopper! I hope you’ve got this one covered!
I also thought it was interesting that you commented on your financial situation and education when talking about being a good Dad. OK, these things are helpful…but I really believe the best Dad is someone who’ll give their kids time, (but also who doesn’t spoil them). I think we’re starting to realise that money (or that want of what it can buy) has created a very sticky situation for most of us. What kids want is to be kids and to have parents who’ll support that. That’s the best type of upbringing anyone could hope for.
It ain’t easy being a parent and it’s a thankless task, but for me it’s an honour that puts everything into perspective.
I hope it works out for you.
Marieke
I think you’ll make a great dad, as you’ve obviously thought long and hard about your priorities and the fact that for a number of years you will be number two in everything you do, but number one in the eyes of your child/ren.
Good luck and enjoy the process.
Very moving. you would make a great dad, and the best thing is that he would live a great childhood here on berneray, as of my experience berneray was great to me in my early childhood.
Don’t put too much hope on education, it counts for little now and in twenty years time who knows? We spent all of our money on our son’s education until we ran out but he still got his A levels, passed Maths challenges which put him in the top 5% of the population and left university with a degree in Physics with Astrophysics. He was made redundant from his first job six months ago and has spent that time writing hundreds of letters, phoning dozens of employment agencies twice a week and scanning the web every day but he still can’t find another job.
I left school at 14 with no qualifications and have never been unemployed. The world has changed for the worse, you might have left it too late.
Can’t agree with Les. It seems to me that having children has little to do with what kind of world they may inherit. I thought it did once. When I was 32 I was worried about my suitability as a Dad and about what kind of world I would be bringing any child into. At 33 Kerry arrived and the doubts disappeared immediately. I realised only much later that it had been the responsibility I was really afraid of.
Kerry now lives in Glashgow and has a child of her own. I now play the same games with Milly as I did with Kerry – despite being 61 soon
. It seems odd, at 60, to see so many 40 year olds worrying about getting/being old. You’re much younger than you imagine. I still haven’t decided what I want to be when I grow up!
All the things you suggest would be great about being a Dad are true but there’s so much more you won’t discover until you are. Berneray must be a great place to have them. We left Yorkshire for Argyll when Kerry was young to give her the chance to play in the street if she wanted – the childhood her mother and I enjoyed. I’m sure it made her a stronger and confident person (being the only English kid in class helped!) and a great mother.
So what are you waiting for?
Mick, don’t get me wrong I don’t regret for one minute being a parent. I just wanted to point out that when Silversprite says “finances would be focused on giving them a good education and putting them through university” that doesn’t necessarily mean squat in today’s world. It obviously doesn’t do any harm but it certainly isn’t the ’secure future’ for a child that it once was. It’s reckoned that over 50,000 students who graduate with honours this year will be without employment after 12 months amongst an estimated 1.25 million under 25’s who will be unemployed by the end of the year.
Give your kids the best life you can but don’t expect a good education to be the answer to everything that it once was.
Thank you for sharing this with us, John! Your thoughts about children and parenthood are lovely and life-affirming. I think you’ll make a wonderful dad, and your flexibility in your work and beautiful home on the Islands would make a near-perfect setting for bringing up kids. It sounds as if you’ve really been through the wringer lately, but are coming out on the other side wiser and with clearer vision.
I have two children and I can’t imagine life without them. I’ve enjoyed every stage of their lives and I know you would do the same. All the best of luck to you!
John, it was heartwarming to read this posting. I don’t know you but it’s difficult not to warm to someone who is willing to share something so personal. It sounds like you’d be a great dad! I hope you find out
I think parenting is one of those things you only find out if you can do when you do it. And most people manage OK, most of the time.